Q: Why men walk more and women talk more?
A: Coz men have three legs and women have four lips!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Q: Why do women wear flowered panties?
A: C O z its their way of saying, ‘In memory of those who were buried here! ‘
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Wife asked her husband how many women he had slept with.
Husband proudly replies, only you my darling, with the others I was awake!!!
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
“Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.
“The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I ‘ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
“You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years.”
The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But man said: “Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his f***ing head.
No animals were harmed in the sending of this e-mail. The damage was done a long time ago.
Single Woman’s Prayer
- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don’t send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.
One good man who’s sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn’t lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn’t smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that’s okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don’t let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won’t go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He’d probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it’s just a passing fad.
I won’t be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won’t comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.
The single life will do just fine.
So what’s up, girlfriend?
IT’S PARTY TIME!!!!
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don’t try this at home,maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home. What the….?!”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
* I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from all of U that it’s good for removing toilet stains.
*I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with a disease.
*I stopped using deodorant & I smell awful, because U said it causes cancer.
*I don’t leave my car in any parking lot even though Isometimes have 2 walk about seven blocks, because U said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try 2 rob me.
*I also stopped answering the phone because U said that they’ll ask me 2 dial a stupid no: & then I will get a high phone bill with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
*I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because U told me they r nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that r bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
*I also stopped drinking anything out of a can – U said that I will get sick from the rat faeces & urine.
*When I go 2 parties, I now don’t mix with anybody – U said that someone will take my kidneys & leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
*However, the police r also after me @ present because U said not 2 pull over as they could b fake policemen trying 2 kidnap me.
*I went bankrupt from bounced cheques that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft & AOL were supposed 2 send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.
*It’s weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, & neither did the passes 4 my paid vacation 2 Disneyland.
*But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot 2 follow & I got a curse.
*OOPS I ALMOST FORGOT, IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don’t send this e-mail 2 @ least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will crap on U tonight at 7:00 PM.
> > > Here’s to an even better informed 2007 !
Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids could care to order dessert.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at them.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute Warning: When the baby’s face turns red and they begin to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words.
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
I, the Penis, request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
> a.. I do physical labour
> b.. I work at great depths
> c.. I plunge head first into everything I do
> d.. I do not get weekends or public holidays off
> e.. I don’t get paid overtime
> f.. I work in a dark place that has poor ventilation
> g.. I work in high temperatures
> h.. My work exposes to me to contagious diseases
>Yours sincerely,
>The Penis
***********************************************************************************
>Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for a salaray increase for the following reasons:
> a.. You do not work 8 hours straight
> b.. You fall alseep on the job after brief work periods
> c.. You do not always follow the orders of management
> d.. You do not stay in your allocates position, and often visit areas where you are neither needed nor wanted
> e.. You do not show initiative
> f.. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start work
> g.. You leave the work place messy at the end of your shift
> h.. You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as protective clothing
> i.. You’ll retire well before reaching 65
> j.. You are unable to do back-to-back shifts
> k.. You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the job
> l.. You are always seen entering and leaving the workplace with 2 suspicious looking bags
>Sincerely,
>The Management Team
Finally, the guys’ side of the story. We always hear “the rules” from the female side…
Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria ‘s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, You probably are.
Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…really!
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or SPORTS.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you an – to give them a bigger laugh.
Girl facts:
When you catch a girl glancing at you, he wants you to look back and smile
When a girl bumps into your arm while walking with you she wants you to hold her hand
When she wants a hug she will just stand there
When u break a girls heart she still feels it when you run into each other 3 years later
When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind
When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply
When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around
When a girl answers, “I’m fine,” after a few seconds, she is not at all fine
When a girl stares at you, she is wondering why you are playing games
When a girl lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever
When a girl says she can’t live without you, she has made up her mind that you are her future
When a girl says, “I miss you,” no one in this world can miss you more than that
When a girl is mean to you after a break-up she wants you back, but shes scared she’ll get hurt and knows you’re gone forever
Guy Facts:
When a guy calls you, he wants to be with you
When a guy is quiet, He’s listening to you…
When a guy is not arguing, He’s realizes he’s wrong
When a guy says, “I’m fine.” after a few minutes he means it
When a guy stares at you, he wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do
When your laying your head on a guy’s chest, he knows he has the world
When a guy calls/texts/comments you everyday, he is in love
When a (good) guy tells you he loves you, he means it
When a guy says he can’t live without you, he’s with you til your done
When a guy says, “I miss you,” he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else
If you agree, leave a comment 
as Im sure Someone was in your mind as you read this!
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