I dont know why =(

Its so very hard to try n get my thoughts out, to slow my mind down long enough to think clearly enough to make sense of anything. It feels like its so twisted n all my wires are crossed n getting the wrong answer, leaving me in such a state of despair, that I cant, don’t want to and don’t even know how or even where to start to describe what is in there.

Is it so selfish to want nothing more than to be left and to continue life the way we are!

Why are ppl so thoughtless and inconsiderate, n not caring. Why would anyone do such horrible thing to drag you down to the bottomless pit of unhappiness just because that’s where they are.

Why do they play the game in such a sneaky way that u feel as if they have emotionally tied up ur brain with an invisible cord that runs around ur throat n tugging ever so hard that when one cannot breath they have no other choice but to give in and fall victim to their pray.

Feelings of such darkness and betrayment.

Although I had tried so very hard, I guess 1 cannot fight what is meant to be

For so long, and with such determination I had chosen the path to block all that would ever come anywhere near me, and now after so many night of wondering and ponder my best description is that the time has now come when least expected.

So many have I met, so many that have tried and tested my strength I give them praise for their efforts and wish all of them the best in finding what they truly be their one and only. I know I was right to continuously tell them that I was not the one “meant to be” that is an instinct one has in knowing, something that no matter how confusing one may be that knowledge still stands there clear as the light of the moonlight on a dark and cloudy night, one will see if they are truly looking.

Ive forever heard the stories of people saying that when its right, u just know it’s right, u just feel that deep inside, a feeling of something so sweet and fulfilling, so nice that it cannot be mistaken. Truth being after all this time I was forever feeling empty and hollow even with those that at the time I thought were the right ones, and so I questioned that so much until I took a step back and realised, if it does indeed feel awkward or something is not right nor making you happy, the littlest hint will truly tell you the truth about what is or what is not.

Time did come when I did actually stop believing, as sadly as that sounds for I am great believer in true love, romance and happy ending. When after all my efforts and time wasted came back upon me as failures, it was time to make a decision as tough as it may sound, to not hope for something that i may never find n to stop looking for something that might not be there.
Maybe it was the end of my belief in it all, the end of the way I was maybe, tho whatever it may have been now this has so quietly and quickly changed.

Overcasted flow

        Sunday evening, the weather is turned to be one of those winter evenings, the ones you read about in an old and dusty book one might find at the back of the bookshelf whereupon one could never guess how long it has been since a living human being has touched it let alone opened to read.

The feeling is to just want to snuggle up in an oversized lounge covered with cushions and a fleece blanket, sitting in front of a blazing fire whilst holding a nice warm cup of hot chocolate and watching an old romance movie on the television to which you are only barely keeping a track of it’s going ons yet realise at the ease to how you allow your eyes to easily be diverted to the flames in the fireplace that keep lashing in an upwards motion enveloping over the dry wood logs.

I can easily imagine myself doing that whilst the wind howled through the small gaps in the windows and a cold draft passes by me as if a ghost has touched my skin.

The mind is overcome with the roaming rush of thoughts of past, present and wishes of future as they all somehow roll together in a bundle of endless stories all into one thought although all separate. As I wonder why it is that I have chosen to live here, I realise that the initial intention to move here has long ago left and so have been moving from place to place living a life that went with what was offered at the time being.

Now more than ever, I consider the possibility that maybe now it is a good time to jump off this ride and do what I want, so with that thought in my mind I have come to the conclusion that this path is the most appropriate possibility to accomplish!

Now that this realisation has been revealed it now leaves me with the ever so hard task to choose the best and most appropriate of paths and wishes that I want to achieve. The hardest part is that this is not only just for myself but also another that I have to consider it if it is also in their best interest without somehow making a mistake for which I shall be blamed for eternity. Never in my entire life until now did I ever think something like this, such a decision could ever be such a complex problem and that I would have to put so much thought into making the right decision not only for a short time in the future but something of a life time.

The time has come to set a secure and safe path on the way till we reach our destination of a content and accomplished satisfaction – paradise!